At last I have found an appropriate use for ‘Elf and Safety at Work’ and no this isn’t going to be another one of those annoyingly irritating stories about safety gone mad and some spokesman for the professional then explaining why safety is being used as a scapegoat for something, promise …
I was strolling round the village where Father Christmas and his elves live (well at least that’s what the sign said, I thought they lived in the North Pole not Telford?!) with my four year old and 18 month old girls and in one of the little model workshops there were two model elves working away making presents for Santa to deliver in a few weeks time. When I turned to leave I spotted on the door a sign that read: ‘The Elf Safety at Work Act applies in these premises’.
Absolute genius I thought!
At last an appropriate use of Elf and Safety! Not only that but someone had the guts to say what they really mean, OK they may have been poking a bit of fun at safety but it got the message across – Elves are important too!!
I do wish more people would say what they really mean, life would be so much more simple. There was a story in my paper a few months ago about the boss of a New York PR firm who got really miffed about there never being any milk in the fridge when he came to have a coffee. According to the Times he wrote an email to all his people saying something like:
“The person that did this is either incredibly lazy, obnoxiously selfish or woefully devoid of intelligence – three traits that are consistent with the profile of FORMER employees of this firm.”
It’s no wonder in this PC age we end up with safety signs like these two I came across on my travels this year. I just wished they’d said what they really meant.
Sign 1
‘In the event of a fire in the indoor play area of this theme park, collect your child, leave by the nearest fire exit and proceed up the hill (bearing left at the fork), turn right at the top and head towards the main entrance. Signed: The Theme Park Safety Officer.’
Yeah because clearly in the event of a fire I’m going to do a runner without my kids, what planet are these people on? Oh yeah and with all the screaming kids in the room I’m really going to stand there and read it, fools! My version:
‘If there’s a fire, get your children and get the hell out of here and I’ll see you at the main entrance.’
Sign 2
‘For your own health and safety and, that of the seagulls, please do not feed the birds’.
Man we’ll be doing risk assessments for our flipping wildlife next! My version:
‘We don’t want loads of seagulls s***ing on our benches and pinching our snap so please don’t feed them.’
Maybe this says more about my sense of humour but I’d be more inclined to read the non-PC versions of those signs and pay heed to them, wouldn’t you?
I reckon as a profession we’ve done quite a lot to get rid of stuffiness from safety but thinking back on this year we still have a long way to go. Think one of my work related New Years resolutions will be to tell it like it is when I can, after all a board meeting might not be the place to do it!
EurOSHM Richard Byrne
BSc (Hons), CMIOSH, MIIRSM, AIMEA
rjbyrne@hotmail.co.uk
Richard Byrne is group head of health, safety and technical services at ATS Euromaster and has a first-class combined honours degree in ergonomics and health and safety management, along with 10 years’ broad health, safety and environmental experience. He is a chartered member of IOSH, a member of IIRSM and an associate member of IEMA, and also holds EurOSHM status.
